Posted by By MJ on June 29th, 2008

Beams T: To Whom It May Concern

To Whom It May Concern,

I am… in a bit of distress at the moment. You see, I purchased an adorable polar bear shirt from your establishment, Beams T. Since that purchase, things have become quite uncomfortable for me. You see, while I love bears, this particular bear and I are just not compatible. It is possible that he objected to the shirt’s slogan, though he has not specifically stated an opinion on the matter.

He has developed a taste for my flesh. I realize this sounds dramatic, but I assure you it is accurate. Even as I type this, his head is extruding from my chest and delicately snacking on my abdomen. It is both uncomfortable and frightening, though I must admit, the bear is still pretty adorable.

While this particular purchase is causing me quite a bit of pain at the moment (I do believe my intestines will never be the same), I am very pleased with the other shirt that I bought from your store. The Star has a really beautiful message, and one that I whole-heartedly endorse. I can honestly say that there is NOTHING I would rather do right now that wear that shirt.

But as it happens, there are giant polar bear claws puncturing my lungs, which as you can imagine makes it very difficult to change shirts.

I think that given these extreme circumstances, perhaps a refund is in order. But I would be willing to forgive all if you could just help me get this shirt off. The bear has a shockingly powerful bite, and I could really use some assistance.

Thank you for your time,
Mortimer Jenkins, Esq.

Others